In Australia, approximately with 1 in 18 men having reported experiencing domestic violence from an intimate partner including emotional & physical abuse, as well as economic, legal & procedural abuse.

These statistics, however, would only represent the reported potion of men experiencing violence within the home, as men are less likely to report or even recognise the signs of domestic violence.

While acts of domestic violence against men can appear similar to acts of domestic violence towards women, there are key differences which remain undiscussed in general society & in not having these open conversations, these acts remain invalidated as a means to identify (or self-identify) where domestic violence against men is occurring.

It is the lack of understanding & community awareness on the finer complexities of domestic violence against men that contribute to a general invisibility of the issue, which leaves many men continuing to live & accept their circumstances as ‘normal’, rather than to be able to differentiate between healthy displays of female emotions, as opposed to narcissistic or abusive female tendencies.

Female (or male) emotions do not equate to abuse. Abusive outbursts stem from females (or males) who are unable to regulate their emotions & behaviour.

This is not ‘normal’ & is not acceptable.

What are the signs of domestic violence against men?

Common signs of domestic violence against men may include:

• psychological and emotional abuse such as constant manipulation, criticism, or humiliation, intended to erode the man’s self-esteem or independence
• social isolation, including restricting a man’s contact with family, friends and support networks with an intent to increase dependency on their abuser
• acts of physical aggression such as pushing, hitting, and slapping that is perpetrated by an intimate partner or other family member

Other lesser-known acts of domestic violence against men which must be more broadly discussed & brought into the spotlight include:

• weaponizing access to children to gain control or financial benefit
• behaviour designed to deliberately frighten, harm or control you, for example threatening to harm you, themselves or someone else
• financial abuse such as controlling access to resources, forcing the man into debt, restricting employment opportunities or having all decisions relating to finances, purchases, lifestyle and living arrangements made for you
• legal and procedural abuse, such as using the family law system to disadvantage or harass a male partner, including making false allegations of abuse

Although it is true that most victims of family violence are women, with domestic violence services in the community predominantly targeted towards female victims, this unfortunately does leave male victims of domestic violence vulnerable for several reasons, such as:

• police services and the judiciary are less responsive to their complaints
• structural obstacles to reporting abuse, accessing support and achieving justice
• traditional gender norms that men cannot be victims of abuse & fear they will not be believed

One of the biggest obstacles men face is of false accusations to authorities by their abuser who weaponizes the judicial system to portray themselves (the abuser) as the abused in order to gain full control of financial assets with fabricated reports of abuse resulting in Apprehended Violence orders (AVO) & Domestic Violence Orders (DVO).

The sad fact is that when a man defends himself physically from a woman on the attack or restrains her for the purpose of self-protection, he becomes the ‘abuser’. Without being able to defend his actions with video evidence, the law insists he is ’guilty without admission’.

The sad fact is that some women play this system intentionally, wilfully & strategically.
The sad fact is that some women groom other women to play this system, intentionally, wilfully & strategically.
The sad fact is that no one is talking about it.

How to identify a female abuser?

Most abusers (male or female) can be identified from narcissistic tendencies or personality traits. Understanding the traits of narcissistic females can help to identify whether you or someone you may know may be likely to experience domestic violence with an intimate partner.

These traits can include:

• Self-Centered Behaviour

A female narcissist may spend a lot of time talking about herself and her life without asking how others are doing. When people do interject to talk about themselves, the female narcissist will show very little interest and will quickly turn the conversation back to herself.

• Superficial & Shallow

Female narcissists may display excessive concern with social status, reputation, social media, or appearances. She will present as being quite shallow, superficial or overly materialistic with a preoccupation for brand names, luxury items, or other status symbols associated with being wealthy.

• Victim Card

Female narcissists may play the victim card by appearing submissive or seemingly helpless to lure people in which may be a tactic they use to get things they want from other people, to exploit other people or to convince them to do things for them.

• Neediness

The female narcissist will need a lot of attention, praise, validation & reassurance from friends, family, and lovers. Without this constant validation, she may become jealous, upset, moody, brooding, or experience rage.

• Pettines

The female narcissist will get stuck on small details or perceived wrongdoings of other people, even when they are insignificant, leading to rumination & obsessions over slight grievances with hyperfocus on getting revenge. This inability to let go of small things can make her seem jealous, petty, and bitter towards others.

• Unable to Admit Fault

A female narcissist is not able to ever admit fault & is unable to apologize. Instead, she will find ways to project blame onto other people or situations. For example, she will always find ways to twist the situation and paint somebody else as the bad guy.

• Overly Vain

Female narcissists are more likely to be preoccupied with physical appearance which may lead to excessive cosmetic procedures, extreme dieting & unhealthy obsession with appearance or weight.

• Reactive

Female narcissists are often emotionally sensitive & reactive, highly sensitive to criticism & will often have a strong emotional reaction to perceived criticism or rejection, leading them to lash out & become moody.

• Sex Appeal to Coerce

Narcissistic females may be more likely to capitalize on their sex appeal or physical attractiveness, using sexual seduction as a way to manipulate or financially exploit others, or engage in sexual narcissism. They may even become involved in parasitic sexual relationships with people who can support or help them in some way.

• Passive Aggression & Manipulative

Female narcissists use passive aggression and manipulation to coerce other people by playing the victim, going behind someone’s back, or using tactics like guilt-tripping or giving the silent treatment.

• Bullying

Female narcissists are likely to engage in gossiping, rumour spreading, gaslighting, name-calling & shunning (giving people the cold shoulder) & may have unstable or minimal friendships.

• Instability in Work, Life, or Relationships

Female narcissists will often have trouble keeping their personal and professional lives stable. They may struggle to hold a steady job, manage their finances, or build lasting, friendships or romantic relationships.

Lasting Effects of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence against men can have damaging & long-lasting consequences resulting in physical injury, mental health decline (anxiety, depression, PTSD, and suicidal ideation), as well as financial distress and social isolation.

Men are likely to feel helpless, depressed, worthless, powerless and isolated, with a sense guilt, shame and despair. They may find it difficult to sleep or concentrate on tasks at work.

What is the Grey Rock Method?

The Grey Rock method can be useful in dealing with abusive people who are using emotional or psychological abuse tactics, narcissistic games or displaying toxic behaviours.

Grey Rocking involves:

• showing no reaction or emotional response when someone is using abusive tactic
• give short, straightforward, and emotionally devoid responses to questions when needed
• avoid eye contact
• disconnect and focus your attention on an activity or something else going on around you

Be mindful that Grey Rocking is not a long-term solution & the abuser may become frustrated, angry, or confused when they don’t get the desired reaction from you & may try different approaches to achieve the desired reaction

They may escalate their tactics to include:

• creating a crisis to draw support from you
• treating you nicely so you let your guard down
• escalating their abusive behaviours

Where to go for help

Mensline Australia offers free phone and online counselling to men across Australia 24 hours a day for a range of issues, including:

• Men’s mental health, including anxiety and depression
• Relationship problems
• Anger management
• Coping strategies
• Grief and loss
• Loneliness and isolation
• Parenting
• Stress
• Suicide prevention

Visit Mensline Australia or call 1300 78 99 78.

Dee

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